As President Jacob Zuma "reshuffled" his cabinet last week, it took all of 15 seconds for anyone versed in Zumanomics to get what he was up to. It was all about getting the nuclear deal done before Vladimir goes all Ukraine on the Union Buildings. Shafting Blade was just the Beluga caviar on a buckwheat blini.
Enter David Mahlobo, Jacob Zuma’s confidant and fan of the occasional manicure. Now, he has just one job ...
It must be infuriating for Zuma: all the apparatchiks hired to clinch the nuclear deal in recent years had one job — and botched it. Instead, they lost focus and did things like flogging SA’s strategic oil reserves. If only the government medical scheme covered Ritalin.
Evidently, Zuma thought, I need a pro. Enter David Mahlobo: the hitherto "state security minister" whose LinkedIn profile should include such highlights as jamming journalists’ phones in parliament, and routinely popping past a brothel in Mpumalanga whose owner, you know, smuggles rhino horn for a living.
We have no idea what Zuma told Mahlobo behind closed doors. I’d like to imagine it went like this ...
JZ: Good news David — your name is on the list.
DM: The list? No, Mr President, you know I’d never do anything to embarrass you. It’s just speculation — it’s just a spa where I was getting my nails done. Also, that video could have been anyone. And if you look at the date stamp, you’ll see I wasn’t there for long.
JZ: Hehehe — no, the list of the new cabinet, after the reshuffle. It’s hard to read, but it looks like you’re down to be energy minister. Damn encrypted faxes, bane of my existence. If only the Kremlin used e-mails for more than just sending out fake news.
DM: Really? Well in that case, I’m humbled, I’m flattered ... oh wait, has the president approved?
JZ: We’ve couriered the message. As you can imagine, he and his brothers are a bit worried about e-mail security right now. But I don’t see any problem.
DM: In that case, I am deeply honoured. I have my own team who I’ll need as advisers, of course. Mr Kunene has a splendid history on energy matters, and knows a thing or two about sushi too if we ever need to cut in the Japanese. And Mr McKenzie has done some top-notch BEE structuring for Gold Fields.
JZ: Fine. But time is of the essence. You’ll get lots of questions: the media saying this is me helping Putin or Duduzane or Saxonwold. Be strong. Remember: there is no cloud above my head — there’s not even a mist.
DM: Absolutely. I’ll tell them it’s all fake news, that the only thing above your head will be a fantastic mushroom cloud from all the nuclear energy.
JZ: Maybe leave out the cloud. I’ve said the ANC will rule till Jesus comes back, but let’s not tempt fate.
DM: Well okay, but we must reject this speculation. The CIA-controlled media is just casting aspersions on people. No person should speculate about someone.
JZ: Maybe don’t stress the "speculation" thing too much — we might need to use it again ourselves. Like with the intelligence report we used to get rid of comrade Pravin, when he was swanning about in Washington getting his friends from the Rupert and Rothschild-owned banks to plot regime change against me.
DM: Rupert and Rothschild? You mean the wine estate? I always suspected it. I’ll get Richard and Berning onto it at once. Those wine farms, probably working with the NGOs to infiltrate parliament with the dop system. If Bathabile finds out, it’s game over.
JZ: No, leave it — stay focused. The last thing I want is another vodka session with the Russians at Nkandla. Next thing you know, it’s 4am and everyone’s in the firepool, singing "Oy moroz, moroz".
DM: As long as MaNtuli isn’t mixing the drinks ...
JZ: The media will also go on about Russia’s human rights record. Murder, freedom of speech, blah blah ...
DM: I’ll tell them we mustn’t single out any one country to create a slant. Unless it’s America, of course — using its CIA to infiltrate our public protector. But I’ve never seen Russia cited for human rights abuses.
JZ: Perfect, that can be our argument. We might have to get KPMG involved. Those 148 Russian NGOs designated as "foreign agents" by Putin were probably just causing trouble anyway. As for those journalists, they probably killed themselves to make Vladimir look bad. You know the media. Anything for a story.
DM: Fake news. They don’t realise you must never insult people. Unless it’s foreign agent Thuli or Pravin. But otherwise, you need facts, not speculation.
JZ: Sounds like you’re the man for the job. And if you happen to remember the name Shiva Uranium when finalising the contracts, I can hardly stop you. I mean, I can, but I won’t.
DM: Understood. Dasvidaniya, Mr President.
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